So here I am, it's 11:30pm on a Sunday night, and I am neck deep in a pile of articles and books pertaining to the ever elusive life of serial killers and psychopathic individuals. This has been my life for the past 3-4 months now, every since I got into my Master's program at CSULB. As I am writing this entry, I am also making attempts to write this 15 page literature review paper on the link between serial killers and psychopathy and how the use of language can be a tool to determine the personality disorder in individuals who thought it was ok to take another human life, whatever justification it was that they came to. Oh, and lets not forget that this paper is due on Tuesday at 4pm, and I am only on page 5 of this paper, at best. Who knew that there were so many caveats into the mind and making of a serial killer, and who knew that the literature on this is deeper than what we see on those glorified detective/true crime tv shows like Making a Murderer or Criminal Minds. The dearth of this topic is overwhelming for this first semester grad student, and it has me shaken to my core about myself overall. Do I really want to spend my life trying to figure out what makes a serial killer tick? Do I want to know the gruesome, gory details of how someone killed another person using a butcher's knife? My first answer to this would be yes, it sounds so interesting to try to get into the mind of a killer, a human being who has done the one thing that most other people are afraid to do because of the consequences that would follow suit (prison, death sentence, etc.). How many other people can stand in a room and say with confidence, "I study serial killers, I'm able to analyze what they say and did and how their mannerisms play into who they are, and provide helpful information into the profiling of possible future serial killers."But then I take a moment, and really consider the question, and I've been doing this a lot lately considering how much pressure I've been under.
After doing some much needed soul searching and considering what kind of work this line of study takes me into, I've come to the conclusion that as much as I enjoy reading about serial killers, and watching TV shows such as Criminal Minds, this isn't where my passion lies. It won't be the motivation for me to get out of bed and go to work because in the end, these people who are already in jail for their heinous crime, they aren't going to change. Sure there are some forms of treatment out there that could help them, but most likely they aren't going to want the help; if they did they would have sought it out sooner before they went and killed a multitude of people.
In the end, and after writing a different school paper on a different topic, I've come to realize that my passion, and possible purpose, in life is to help the vulnerable populations that don't have a voice strong enough to help themselves: animals. Yes this is quite a different direction from what my field of study is for my master's program (Criminology/Criminal Justice). But I've always had a passion and love for animals, but I was too narrow in thinking that the only way I could help animals was by becoming a veterinarian, and after my visit to the University of Wyoming for their veterinarian science program (and seeing a bison head being dissected on), I quickly dismissed that occupation from my list. I instead focused on a field in society that was significantly undermined and in need of help, and I came across law enforcement and criminology with the help of an academic seminar about CSI Forensic Science. I have longed to make a difference somehow in someway, whether is was big or small, I just never knew and didn't know how I would get there. Well, I believe I have found that direction, my compass is finally pointing in the right direction. The journey there won't be an easy one to follow, and I may have to get creative with detours and travel off the beaten path, but if that is the way it is, then so be it.
